Pictured: The tallest and shortest men in the world. Updated: 2010.07.14.
I * CIA's secret weapon * Chinese inventor's home-made submarine + other stories * Finding happiness in modern China * Smallest model railway * Video: World pillow fight day * Unlucky motorist...Ha. Ha! * Taken for a ride??? * A special relationship * BBC weatherman... * Shorty the pony * Lost in translation * Blue Monday * Something to laugh about * Useless Trivia * Signspotting * I Feel Fine * Round the World in English * Sign Spotting * Well, I Never Knew That! * No 8 * Round the World in English Again!* Rings On Her Fingers * You're one third daffodil and other REALLY useless facts *
Hardly a day goes by without something in the English language causing amusement; it may be words or phrases which 'are lost in translation' - things which are translated literally from one language to another by people who are only conversant in one or other of the languages. Sometimes it is a mistake, even an unintentional action which puts words together to create an image or idea which is amusing. One of my favourites appears on a notice board in California, USA which reads... 'Death Valley Health Centre'.
'Funny Old World' is a compilation of things which are amusing, odd or just plain silly. We hope you like it, and welcome your contributions for future inclusion.
CIA's secret Iraq weapon revealed: a Saddam gay sex tape
Bizarre US plots included exploding cigars to kill Fidel Castro and fake video of Osama bin Laden's campfire drinking
A portrait of Saddam Hussein at Baghdad University in 2003. Photograph: Francoise De Mulder/ Corbis
In their time, America's secret agencies have tried some
outlandish schemes to attack their country's enemies, including, most
famously, an attempt to do away with Cuba's Fidel Castro by using an exploding cigar.
But in a scenario more the preserve of careless Hollywood starlets such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, the CIA appears to have plotted to undermine Saddam Hussein with a gay sex tape.
According to the Washington Post's security blog, some of
America's spooks believed that shooting a fake video of Saddam
cavorting with a teenage boy might destabilise his regime in the runup
to the US-led invasion in 2003. "It would look like it was taken by a
hidden camera. Very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex
session," the Washington Post quoted one former CIA official as saying.
Nor was the Saddam sex tape the only idea floating around the more bizarre corners of the CIA's Iraq
Operations Group. Other ploys involved interrupting Iraqi television
with a false newsflash that would announce Saddam was handing over
power to his hated and feared son Uday. The presumed idea was to shock
the Iraqi people into rising up against their leaders and thus make the
invasion a lot easier.
Perhaps thankfully, the tape and fake news broadcast were never
made and the Post reported that top CIA brass repeatedly rejected the
ideas.
But that did not stop a CIA video being shot of a fake Osama bin Laden
sitting around a camp fire, drinking booze and boasting of his own gay
conquests. The video apparently used some of the CIA's "darker
skinned" employees as extras playing the terror chief's henchmen. It
does not seem to have been released.
The Post said an anonymous US official had declined to confirm or
deny the accounts. "If these ideas were ever floated by anyone at any
time, they clearly didn't go anywhere," the official said.
Such tactics are hardly the first time the US agencies have
stretched their imaginations. A book entitled 638 Ways to Kill Castro
detailed the many ways the Cuban leader had been targeted over the
decades.
One of the lesser known was a plan to dispatch Castro by
exploiting his fascination for scuba-diving. A batch of colourful
molluscs would be rigged with explosives in the hope that he would be
attracted to them while swimming underwater.
That plan, too, never got off the drawing board.
Chinese inventor's home-made submarine. source: guardian.co.uk, 2009.09.11.
Peter Foster. Peter Foster moved to Beijing in March 2009. He was formerly the Daily Telegraph's South Asia Correspondent based New Delhi from 2004-2008. He is married with three children.
At some point very soon – and it may have already happened – China’s urban population will overtake the rural population, an indicator among many of the astonishing pace of change in China these past 20 years.
But what, I wonder, would China’s often still-impoverished rural populations make of the latest craze among China’s white collar workers for the virtual agriculture game ‘Happy Farm’?
The game, which is free, is played across social networking sites like Facebook or their Chinese equivalents such as kaixin001.com or xiaone.com which means that virtual farmers can visit each other’s farms, trade livestock and generally admire each other’s handiwork.
You can also use real cash to buy virtual goodies – everything from special tools to windmills, exotic animals to better seeds – so that you can outshine your neighbours on the other side of the virtual fence.
So while the real farmers are sweating over the land, in the cities bored workers are addicted to an idyllic virtual existence where players can grow vegetables, practice animal husbandry and – if their virtual neighbours don’t come and steal them first (did I forget to mention you can steal? that’s the best part) – feel the satisfaction that comes with a hard won harvest.
According to Global Times, the English Language daily here in Beijing, there are more than 15 million urban Chinese who spend more than FIVE HOURS A DAY down on their happy farms. Someone should calculate the productivity loss on that.
I’ve recently been writing a series of pieces on the Chinese internet and am reliably informed by Matt McDougall at the digital marketing agency Sinotech that these games – MMGs to use the jargon or ‘massive multi-user games’ – are going to play a large part in the future of the net in China.
However the phenomenon begs a whole load of questions, first among which is how these people find the time to play? Xu Cheng, CEO of Five Minutes, the company which invented the game and sold it to the networking sites, tells Global Times that “because most Chinese white collars have little amusement after work, Happy Farm gives them a virtual world to make their dreams come true.”
That sounds rather sad to me. After a day sat looking at a computer screen I can think of nothing I’d like to do less, but then at the ripe old age of 36 I’m already way past the curve when it comes to the internet. (The average of employees at Baidu.com, China’s biggest search engine where I went to do an interview this week, is 26!)
I’ve quizzed a Chinese colleague here in Beijing who says that her husband is also madly into Happy Farm – in fact the first thing he does on waking in the morning is dive online to check his veggies don’t need watering and then rustle a couple of next door’s sheep before setting off for work.
It might all sound a bit vapid – it does to me - but then it really isn’t that long ago that city dwellers in China were being sent out to real ‘Happy Farms’ for a spot of re-education at the hands of the ideologically pure peasantry.
I can’t help wondering what The Great Helmsman - whose own game of virtual farming killed 15 million people rather than entertained them – would have thought of all this.
I suspect he’d have enjoyed it enormously.
Smallest model railway fits inside briefcase. Agencies: 2009.05.18.
The smallest scale model train set has gone on sale – so compact that the entire layout fits inside a briefcase.
The miniature train sets are ideal for businessmen, the makers sayPhoto: SOLENT
The portable sets, which cost around £725, are likely to be popular with celebrity model railway enthusiasts such as the singer Rod Stewart and record producer Pete Waterman. They are currently the smallest scale train sets on the market and fit neatly into a lockable aluminium briefcase.
The German company Noch has produced several different layouts – including snowy winter scenes and quaint villages with mountain tunnels for the trains to pass through. The company says the mini models are designed to save space and be portable, making them ideal for businessmen or even touring rock stars.
The electric sets come complete with working locomotives and passenger carriages run by a built-in controller.
There is even a choice of background scenery depending on which season of the year you prefer. Sun-kissed countryside scenes represent the summer months and snow-covered mountain ranges the winter.
Watch a round-up of the week's oddest news including the underwater TV viewing record, the world's oldest person, and world pillow fight day. » Play video
An elderly woman had to be rescued after her runaway mobility scooter raced five miles out of town as she clung on for dear life. The pensioner, who uses the scooter because she has problems walking, takes it on shopping trips with her husband always strolling at her side. But on this occasion he was left standing in amazement as the green scooter suddenly picked up speed and raced off out of sight with his wife - in her late 70s - holding grimly on.
The shocked husband immediately rushed to the police station in Perranporth, Cornwall, to ask for help. Police sprang into action and broadcast an alert for officers in the area to keep an eye out for the pensioner, who they feared would be left terrified by the experience. She was finally intercepted by a patrol unit five miles away on the A3075 at Pendown Cross.
By then police had received numerous calls from members of the public concerned about the elderly woman's safety after seeing her veering along the busy highway. Happily the scooter was stopped safely and the woman - who has not been named by police - was reunited with her relieved husband, none the worse for her experience. They were taken home in a police van while community support officer Michael Ginnelly drove the mobility scooter back.
PCSO Ginnelly said: 'I would like to thank all the various cars and van drivers who tooted their horns, waved and laughed at me while en route back to Perranporth.' Why the scooter suddenly gained speed has not yet been established.
A special relationship. At first glance, it looks as though the UK may become the 52nd State. President Obama made a joke. Mr Brown laughed...and laughed...and laughed! 2009.04.0
BBC weatherman warns people of Kent to prepare themselves for temperatures of -99C By Daily Mail Reporter 2009.03.12. Weathermen assure us this has been the coldest winter for 20 years, but even after weeks of freezing temperatures anyone living in Kent would have been surprised by a recent BBC TV forecast.
ForecasterDaniel Corbett wrongly predicted that temperatures were set to plunge to a record low of -99C (-146F). As he ran through his predictions for the next day's weather, the map behind him showed the extraordinary number.
Whoops!: the BBC graphics team gets it wrong
To put it into perspective, -99C is a full ten degrees colder than the coldest temperature ever recorded on Earth. That was at Vostok, a Russian research station in Antarctica . There, the temperature is regularly in the -30 to the -60C mark. This chilly weather is due to the exceptionally high speed of the arctic winds. The katabatic or downward type winds that bring the brisk temperature, travel with speeds up to 200 mph from inland toward the coast of the continent.
Shorty the Pony with short legs costs taxpayer £8,000 in 'rescues'
A Shetland pony with startlingly short legs has cost the taxpayer thousands of pounds, because passers-by think she is sinking in mud and keep ringing the emergency services. 2009.03.12.
Shorty the pony: The animal's stumpy legs are so out of proportion with its long body that people continually assume she has become stuck in the salty marshland Photo: SOLENT
Firefighters answered their fourth call this week – at a combined cost of nearly £8,000 – to save the life of the 2ft 4 ins tall pony they have nicknamed "Shorty". The animal's stumpy legs are so out of proportion with its long body that people continually assume she has become stuck in the salty marshland where she grazes. Lost in translation
'Blue Monday' 19th January. The most depressing day of the year?
I woke up at 06.30 AM today. The wind was rattling my windows and the rain was lashing down in epic proportions. I trudged my way in the dark to my tube station with my once working, now broken, umbrella only to be forced to wait in a tunnel for 25 minutes due to 'delays'. It was at this point that I remembered why this was happening - today is "Blue Monday".
According to experts today is the most depressing day of the year. Toay is apparently so depressing it has been predicated that up to a quarter of workers would call in sick. Cliff Arnall, a former psychology academic at Cardiff University, claims that there are six factors that combine to make today the ultimate of all bad days:
Lousy weather Post-Christmas debt Failed New Year's resolutions Time elapsed since Christmas festivities Motivation levels The need for something to look forward to..... and the next UK holiday is ages away - 82 days to be exact.
Dr Arnall advises that the best way to overcome Blue Monday is to 'put on a fun DVD, get some friends over for something to eat or call someone they've put off calling for months or years.'
A society of optimists (people who look favourably on situations), cunningly called the Optimists' Society, has its own ideas to battle the depression it will be sending out "cheer packages" to celebrities in need of a cheer-up such as The Chancellor of the Exchequer (Finance Minister), and will also be hosting a free comedy show in London. So now...with Enjoying English, cast off this cloak of sadness. Here is...
Something to laugh about!
As survey finds even bad jokes make us laugh, here are the very worst of gags to giggle over.
Ever wondered why you can’t stop laughing at bad jokes? A new study claims you’re not alone. One in four of us just can’t help but giggle at even the most cringeworthy punchline. So, to see how susceptible you are, CLAIRE COHEN has compiled a selection of the worst . . .
Why are elephants big, grey and hairy? If they were small, brown and furry, they'd be mice.
Knock knock Who’s there? Lass. Lass who? How long have you been a cowboy?
What kind of monkey can fly? A hot air baboon.
What is a sentence with the word ‘politics’ in it? My parrot swallowed an alarm clock and now poli-tics.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a farm.
What is a porcupine’s favourite food? Prickled onions.
Why don’t vampires like computers? They hate anything new-fangled.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?
What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens? Oh-lay!
What do deaf fish wear? Herring-aids.
What wobbles as it flies? A jelly-copter.
Two fish were in a tank. One turns to the other and says: ‘Do you know how to drive this thing?’
How does a witch style her hair? With scare spray.
What is the most military day of the year? March 4th.
Why do pigs make good spies? T hey’re excellent at going in-hog-nito.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a crocodile? An animal that talks your head off.
What did one hat say to the other hat? You wait here and I’ll go on a head.
Have you heard the story about the broken pencil? It had no point.
My wife got angry when I spilt the coffee. She called it grounds for divorce.
Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head? From a distance it looked like a hare.
What did the big telephone say to the little telephone? You’re too young to be engaged.
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got only 59 seconds to live.’ ‘Just a minute please . . .’
Where do baby apes sleep? In apricots.
Police have apprehended two children — the first was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other.
What has 50 legs, but can’t walk? Half a centipede.
What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Why was the crab arrested? He kept pinching things.
How do you know when the teddy bear’s picnic has finished? Because they’re all stuffed.
What did Snow White say when she dropped off her camera film to be developed? Some day my prints will come.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no body to go with.
How did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a short cut.
What are Santa’s little helpers called? Subordinate clauses.
Did you hear about the cement lorry that collided with a police van? Five hardened criminals escaped.
How did the pig get to the hospital? In a hambulance.
Two television sets got married. The reception was fantastic.
What would happen if you ate yeast and polish? You’d rise and shine.
Why did the scientist put a knocker on his front door? He wanted to win a No-bell prize.
What did one mountain say to the other after an earthquake? ‘It’s not my fault.’
Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? It has great food, but no atmosphere.
What is green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Why did the cannibal have indigestion? He ate someone who disagreed with him.
Why did the man stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said concentrate.
What does a king do when he burps? He issues a royal pardon.
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a wheelbarrow.’ ‘Don’t let people push you around.’
What’s blue and fluffy? Blue fluff.
What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.
‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t pronounce my Fs, Ts or Hs.’ ‘Well, you can’t say fairer than that then.’
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. Buildings can’t jump.
Where do Noah’s bees live? In the Ark-hives.
How do cows do maths? With a cowculator.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, ‘I’ll have a pineapple juice . . . . . . . . . on the rocks.’ The barman replies, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘I don’t know,’ says the polar bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’
Did you hear about the red ship which collided with the blue ship? Both crews were marooned.
What do you call a midget clairvoyant who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What’s green, furry and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Did you hear about the fly that flew through a sieve? He strained himself.
What is the easiest house to pick up? A light house.
How do you make gold soup? By adding 14 carrots. .
Why wouldn’t the bald man let anyone use his comb? He couldn’t part with it.
Can butterflies break trees? Are pigeons affected by the credit crunch?
These are just two of the 16 million-plus bizarre questions sent to text message service AQA (the British company Any Question Answered that responds to queries on almost any topic by text) since it was set up four years ago. Here are some of the best:
CELEBRITIES
Who got more fan mail than The Beatles?
Hitler received more during the Thirties and Forties than The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Madonna combined. Who is the most portrayed character in film?
Sherlock Holmes has been played by 72 different actors in 204 films. Basil Rathbone played him 14 times.
Who was the first serial killer?
Liu Pengli, cousin of Emperor Jing of China. Operating at night from around 144 to 121BC, he murdered more than 100 people for 'sheer sport'.
What is Margaret Thatcher's relationship to ice-cream?
As A young chemist she was part of a scientific team which invented soft ice-cream, a process that involved putting more air in the product, thus reducing ingredients and costs.
Which actor was considered ahead of John Travolta to play Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction?
Daniel Day-Lewis wanted the role, but Quentin Tarantino turned him down.
FOOD
How many chickens do we eat in our lifetime?
In the UK we eat, on average, 1,200 chickens each during our lifetime. That's 1,800 kilos of chicken meat, the same as eating a four-year-old elephant.
Can you fit an egg into a milk bottle without breaking it?
Yes. Soak a raw egg in vinegar for two days (this softens the shell). Heat the bottle in boiling water. Place egg on top of bottle: as the bottle cools, the air inside it contracts and the egg will be sucked in.
What product has the barcode 5010024141523?
A 500g pack of Saxa Coarse Sea Salt. Incidentally, there's enough salt in the sea to cover Britain to a depth of 50 miles.
Is it OK to eat a polar bear's liver?
Polar bear liver is toxic to humans because of the extremely high levels of vitamin A. Just 30-90g of vitamin A is enough to kill someone.
What was the traditional bird to eat at Christmas before the Fifties?
In the Forties, it was goose. The fat removed during cooking was sometimes made into a chest rub for colds.
What logical sentence is there with five 'and's' in a row?
'When you drew that fish-and-chips sign, you should have put a hyphen between 'fish' and 'and' and 'and' and 'chips.'
Is it true that lettuce has the same effect on rabbits as opium on humans?
Yes. Lettuce contains lactucarium, which has an effect similar to opium and has been used in sleeping draughts. It has a soporific effect on rabbits.
What vegetable can be grown on Mars?
NASA scientists recently said that the soil on Mars would be good enough for asparagus and turnips, but not fertile enough for strawberries.
Do slugs eat potatoes?
They eat 36,000 tonnes of potatoes every year in Britain. They can smell a mushroom up to six feet away.
THE HUMAN BODY
What is the only bone in your body not attached to anything?
The hyoid bone, just above the larynx. It anchors the muscles of the tongue and is the only bone in the body that doesn't touch any other.
Does a smoker pay more in tax than they receive in health care?
Yes. While an average smoker costs the NHS £150 a year, they pay £949 annually in tax - almost six times more.
What is the longest muscle name in the human body?
The musculus levator labii superioris alaeque nasi. It's the muscle Elvis used to create his trademark lip curl.
MUSIC, LYRICS AND LANGUAGE
How many iPods would I need to store the estimated number of original released songs in the world?
With 4billion original released songs, you'd need 4 million 4GB iPod nanos, or 100,000 16GB iPod classics to store them.
Why did the composer Ravel write a concerto for one hand?
He composed the Piano Concerto For The Left Hand in 1930 for his friend, the Austrian composer Paul Wittgenstein, who lost his right arm in World War I.
What is the most played song ever on radio stations across the world?
You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin' by The Righteous Brothers: the equivalent of 45.6 continuous years' airplay.
What is the most often featured song in films of all time?
Happy Birthday To You. It was written as a classroom greeting in 1893 by two Louisville teachers.
SPORT
Can you tell me an obscure use for Vaseline?
Boxers use it during fights to treat bleeding cuts. The inventor, Robert Chesebrough, ate a spoonful every day. AQA does not recommend trying this.
Did the ancient Mayans invent a lethal ball game?
Their game called Tlachtli sometimes ended in human sacrifice. They invented latex, which they used to make the rubber balls.
PLANET EARTH
Has any animal got two hearts?
No. Squid, oysters and octopus have three hearts. Hagfish have five. Earthworms have multiple hearts, but only Doctor Who has two.
How many ants could you fit in a jumbo jet and it could still take off?
The average ant weighs 3mg. Taking account of aerodynamics, a jet containing 46,500,000,000 (46.5 trillion) of them would still be able to take off (assuming one of them knew how to fly the plane).
How long would it take a person to drink the sea?
It would take a person 143,737,166,324 million years to drink the 1,260 million trillion litres of water on earth, at a rate of 1 litre per hour, with no loo breaks.
Do all cows stand facing north?
On average, they face five degrees off the geographic north or south poles. Observations of deer herds and their snow tracks reveal a similar trend which, scientists believe, is due to their reaction to magnetic fields. Can butterflies break trees?
Monarch butterflies can do so during winter in the mountains west of Mexico City. Tens of millions of butterflies settle there, often breaking branches with their weight.
Did a polar bear from London ever catch its dinner in the River Thames?
In the 13th century, a polar bear was kept as part of the Tower of London menagerie, and fished in the Thames for salmon, while attached to a leash.
If an ant were the same size as a human, how fast would it be able to run?
It would travel twice as fast as a Lamborghini. An ant-sized human, however, would travel at a measly 0.5cm per second.
MISCELLANEOUS
What is the world's longest engagement?
67 years. Octavio Guillen and Adriana Martinez were 15 when they got engaged and 82 on their wedding day.
How many trees does it take to make 17.3billion matchsticks?
One tree makes an average 1million matchsticks, so it would take 17,300 trees to make 17.3billion matchsticks. There are 60billion trees worldwide, enough for 600 quadrillion matchsticks.
Has anyone married in Asda - a UK supermarket chain?
Jill and Pete Freeman married in the clothing section of their local Asda in York in February 2004. They left to a bagpipe version of the Asda tune.
Has anyone ever taken their name from a phone book?
When C. Kalms and M. Mindel opened their first shop in Southend in 1937, they had room only for six letters on the shopfront and chose 'Dixons' from the phone book.
Why should I be scared on Friday, April 13, 2029?
An asteroid called 2004 MN4 will be within 19,000 miles of Earth that day, but it won't hit us.
Is it true that road foundations can be made from old books?
The M6 toll road in Birmingham was lined with 2.5 million pulped Mills & Boon novels when constructed in 2003. The paper pulp is a good sound absorber.
Why are Apple computers called 'Apple'?
The founders chose the name so that it would come before rivals Atari in the phone directory.
Where is the longest bench in the world?
There is one 460.9metres long in Masuhogaura, Japan. It's made of wood, and offers sunset views for you and 1,349 others.
Does Sandringham have its own time zone?
Until 1936, all 180 clocks in the royal collection at Sandringham (The Queen's Palace) were set on 'Sandringham Time', half an hour ahead of GMT.
AND FINALLY ...
AQA has seen a 2,100 per cent rise in credit-crunch-related questions over the past few weeks, whereas usually they would be inundated with Christmas queries ...
My food bill has gone up so much. What can I do?
Buy only the food you need. When cooking, make extra and eat it another night. Make your own lunches.
Where on earth am I spending all this money?
Money is frequently spent on small things. For one week keep a list of everything you spend.
Are pigeons affected by the credit crunch?
No, because they tend not to apply for mortgages. However, there are fewer of them due to a population cull in London.
Where can I move to become an instant millionaire?
If you can ignore Mugabe's oppressive regime, go to Zimbabwe. £38.25 is $Z1million. Before August 1, 2008, you'd have got $Z10quadrillion for £39.25.
Has anyone benefited from the credit crunch?
Fast-food restaurants, shoe repairers, budget supermarkets, cinemas, video shops and maternity retailers.
• Extracted from Brilliant Answers by AQA 63336, published by Profile at £5.99; 2008, AQA 63336.
Eve Stuart-Kelso with her Leprechaun safely back home.
In an episode that re-creates a scene from the French film Amelie, Murphy was returned to Eve Stuart-Kelso with a letter saying he had taken off because he had "itchy feet".
In the 2001 film, starring Audrey Tautou, Amelie steals her father's gnome and gives it to a friend who takes it around the world and posts back pictures of it in famous places to show him what he is missing in life.
Besides Murphy was a Tesco carrier bag containing the album of 48 photos and stamped immigration permits to South Africa, Swaziland, Mozambique, New Zealand, Australia, Singapore, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam, China, Hong Kong and Laos.
The album showed Murphy - who weighs a hefty 8lb (3.6kg) - abseiling down a mountain, standing in a shark's mouth, swimming in the sea, and riding a motorbike.
Murphy took to his travels with a companion only referred to as "The Bear" - although some of the photos picture a group of young men who might have been responsible.
The accompanying letter explained his disappearance: "There's more to life than watching daily commuter traffic and allowing passing cats to urinate on you."
Mrs Stuart-Kelvo, who once ran a motel in Florida with her husband, said it was "such a shock" to see Murphy returned to the front garden of her Gloucester home.
She said: "The leprechaun went missing many, many months ago and I had forgotten about it.
"Then I opened the door on Thursday and saw he was back. It was such a shock.
"I thought, 'Well, it's a bit of mischief but at least he hasn't been put through the window.'
"Murphy was quite badly damaged and there was a tightly wrapped parcel next to him. My curiosity eventually overcame my alarm, because I did wonder if it might explode.
"Then I saw it was a beautifully bound photo album and opened it up.
"His feet were missing, but that's no real surprise given that he was sent abseiling down a mountain!"
She added: "It was the strangest gift I have ever received. I just keep thinking how funny it is. It makes me smile to see all the people he met on his travels. It was a wonderful surprise."
Murphy's letter read: "Hello! First of all I feel I should explain my prolonged absence. A gnome's life is full of time for reflection, and whilst surveying your garden one summer morning, I began to get itchy feet.
"I came to the conclusion that the world is a big place and there is more to life than watching the daily commuter traffic, and allowing passing cats to urinate on you.
"So I decided to free myself from the doldrums of the Shire and seek adventure. My travels have taken me across three continents, 12 countries and more time zones than I can possibly remember.
"There have been high points, low points, and positively terrifying points. But I have survived - small thanks to the companion with whom I have shared all these moments."
The letter also revealed that Murphy - whom his captor called Barrington - met former England cricketer Geoffrey Boycott on his outbound trip to Cape Town.
"Said hello to the big man and he seemed a decent enough bloke but unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me," he wrote.
A spokesman for Gloucestershire Constabulary remained straight-faced about the matter, saying: "Any theft of a person's property, even if it is carried out as a joke, will be treated as a crime by police."
But Mrs Stuart-Kelso said she would be "delighted" to meet the culprit. "I thought the album was wonderful," she
I feel Fine.. Some things in China never cease to amuse me. Some people refer to them as 'Chinglish', which I think is rather insulting, as although the companies or organisations concerned clearly haven't consulted a natural English Speaker with their translations - and there are many of us around in schools and universities, who would willingly help out, at least they have made an effort. I prefer to call it 'Peoney English'. I think it sounds better and goes someway to bridging the cultural divide.
Begining with the Nescafe, individual sachets (packets) of coffee. The instructions for opening the item said 'Tear here', but the nick for begining the operation was on the other side of the packet.
I love this one... from information leaflet in Dabao SOD Milk moisturising cream.
'Dabao SOD Milk contains rich SOD (Superoxide Dismietase) and extract of Ginseng and Astragalus Root (percious Chinese herbal medicine) as it's main ingredients. It can effectively retard the progress of the skins senility, resolve pigmentation and nourish the skin..... Through constant use, it would bestow on you a look so graceful and tender that you could become more lovely and charming.' That makes me feel good. There's hope for me yet!
Then I opened a new toothbrush from Sion to clean my teeth...
'The highest quality shape hair brush, it can go deep into the tooth sews, which is the commonest can't, pure out the dental dirts, and work the brush the bacteria spot of tooth.'
'The completely new streamlined and antislide brush handle designing according to the hand type, brushing is comfort, and holding to feel relaxed.'
'The well loved transparent handle adds esthetic taste to your daily life.' Yes, I have to admit, that after shaving and washing in the morning, it has revolutionised my outlook on the day ahead. Thank you Sion.
Travelling around the world during the past 40 years, as I have been fortunate enough to do, I have seen some strange usage of English. It's meaning has been lost in translation. The humour behind some of the notices and signs in hotels and public places is difficult to explain. See if you can work them out, and I will attempt to explain them later. Here are a few examples to start you off.
Beginning in Beijing, on the roadside in Changan Avenue, near the President's Residence. 'Little grass is smiling sweetly, please walk on the pavement'.
Fly from Beijing to Seoul in South Korea where a hotel proudly announces, 'You can choose twin bed, or marriage; we regret no King Kong size'. I wish! Another informs me that, 'Measles not included in room charge.' That's a relief, I think!
In Japan, 'You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaids.' Well, if you are on your own and feeling lonely, perhaps.
In Hanoi, Vietnam I am reminded that, 'Visitors should not be ironed, cooked or washed. Hotel has every service.'
On to Moscow in Russia. In a hotel opposite the Russian Orthodox Monastery - a religious organisation of the Russian Church, an invitation says that, 'You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composer, artists and writers are buried daily, except Thursdays.'
I stopped off to buy a yogurt from a company called 'Muller'. One a day 4 pack. Strange, I thought there were 7 days in a week.
Sort that lot out! If you have seen any strange signs, send your info to www.enjoyingenglishinfo@yahoo.com and write 'Signs@ in the subject box.
Sign Spotting. We already have a feature which highlights some strange examples of mis-translated English, but the other day, whilst playing on the Internet, I found a website which shows photographs of signs which are mis-placed, wrongly translated or just not thought through properly. Examples are: 'Bottomless Pit - 65 Feet Deep'. Another in California reads, 'Death Valley Health Center'.
* Banknotes were first used in CHina as early as the 7th Century.
* Banknotes didn't arrived in Europe until the 16th century. Originally, they were used as receipts for gold coins deposited in Banks by goldsmiths.
* Besides our present Queen Elizabeth and Brittannia, the only two women to be depicted on British banknotes are; Elizabeth Fry, the 19th century social and prison reformer, and Florence Nightingale, a nures during the Crimean War in the middle east during the late 19th century.
* Recent British £20 and £10 notes feature the scientist, Charles Darwin and British composer, Edward Elgar. It is thought that they were honoured because Darwin's tumbling beard and Elgars moustache would make it difficult for forgers to reproduce the notes.
* China's banknotes have built-in security measures; a watermark of Chairman Mao as well as his image on the face of notes, raised dots in the bottom right-hand corner and new notes are 'scrunchy' when they are rubbed.
* Australian banknotes are made of plastic and are almost impossible to forge or copy.
* In the early 1920's. hyper-inflation made German banknotes almost worthless. It is said that the price of a cup of coffee trippled in cost between the time it was ordered and the time it was drunk.
* In March 2007, the Bank of England issued a new style £20 note with additional security measures. Under the Quen's head, the value is written in words and numbers, but is only visable under a strong magnifying glass. When I returned to England in May 2008, I queried the cashier at the Exchange Desk at Heathrow Airport, as I thought the note was a fake!
* The Bank of England issues £25,731,450 a day in new notes.
No 8. A thought from Daily Telegraph correspondent in Chengdu.
Traditionally, the luckiest number for Chinese people is No 8, which is why the Olympics start at 8pm on the 8th day of the 8th month, in 2008. But is it? Events in China this year suggest otherwise.
* January 25th (01.25. - 1+2+5=8) - blizzards and snowstorms paralysed the country, causing a state of national emergency.
* March 14th (03.14. - 3+1+4=8) - protests erupted in the Tibetan capital of Lhasa.
* May 12th (05.12. - 5+1+2=8) - the Sichuan earthquake struck.
May 12th was exactly 88 days before the start of the Beijing Olympics on 2008.08.08. Are these incidents fate, or are we being over superstitious?
May, 2008.
The Worlds Easiest Quiz.
Try this. You must answer all the questions. If you don't know an answer you must take a guess. The pass mark is 4 correct answers.
1. In the war between England and France, how long did the Hundred Years War last? - it wasn't 100 years.
2. Which country are Panama Hats made?
3. From which country do we get cat-gut for guitar strings?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the revolution of October, 1918?
5. The Canary Island in the Atlantic Ocean are named after which animal?
6. What is a camel hair brush made of?
7. What was King George IV of Englands first name?
8. What colour is the bird called a purple finch?
9. Where do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. What is the colour of the 'black box' flight recorder in a commercial airline?hings are looking better. A notice by the bell reads: If service is required - give two strokes to the maid, and three to the waiter.
Round the World in English Again!Some more examples of mis-translations into English noticed at places around the world.
Seen in a Spanish airline: 'Bags to be used incase of sickness or to gather remains.'
A hotel in Zurich, Switzerland: 'We have a nice bath and are good in bed.'
In Bucharest Romania: ' The hotel lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret, you will be unbearable.'
In a hotel in Chengdu, Sichuan Province there are serious threats: 'If You Do Not Pay, You Will Not Live1'
In a hotel in Lugu Lake, a notice which shoed a slippery floor, with a man falling down read: 'Beware of the Landslide.'
.Rings on her fingers
Questions are often asked as what is the meaning of which finger a lady wears her rings. An old Chinese saying seems to provide the best answers. The thumb represents your parents. The second or index finger next to the thumb represents your brothers and sisters. The middle finger, yourself, whilst the fourth is for your lover or life partner. Finally, the little finger represents your children.
From Jean Riley in Carlisle, Northern England.
The thumbs-up sign In the United States the gesture means 'good going'. But in Bangladesh it's a taunt, and in other Islamic countries it's the equivalent of an upraised middle finger.
A - Okay Joining the thumb and index finger in a circle is a popular way of saying Okay in some countries, but it is an insult in many Latin American counties. When Richard Nixon was U.S, Vice President, he is reported to have greeted a crowd south of the border with a double 'A-Okay' sign. Imagine the reaction.
Once the concierge in a French hotel asked me, 'Is your room satisfactory?' I gave the okay sign. With an irritated shrug he said, 'If you don't like it, well find you another room'. A Frenchman reads the gesture as meaning 'zero' or 'worthless'.
'V' for victory In the Europe it means 'victor' or 'peace. Winston Churchill used it as a morale boosting sign for the people during the second World War.
But in England if the palm faces inward it's a taunt, especially if performed with an upward jerk of the fingers, it means 'f*** off' or 'f*** you'.
The story goes, over 200 years ago, the French disabled English archers they captured in battle by cutting off their middle and forefingers. Ater the battles of Agincourt and Crecy, where the French were heavily defeated, the triumphant English gloated over their prisoners by holding up their hands, first two fingers upright, palm inward, to show both fingers fully intact.
Finger Beckoning Americans sometimes hail a waiter with index finger slightly raised and thumb loosely extended. In Japan it's rude to beckon a waiter if you then motion with the index finger. In Germany the waiter might well respond by bringing you two more drinks.
Tapping Forehead with Forefigner This means 'smart', in the United States. While in Holland, tapping the center of the forehead means 'he is crazy'. In Argentina the American sign for 'he's crazy', (circling a forefinger next to the ear), could be confused with their signal for 'you have a telephone call'
The Stop Sign! Extending one hand, palm forward, means 'stop' in the United States, while in Greece it's a common sign of confrontation. In West Africa the gesture is even more insulting than the upraised middle finger.
Hands in Pockets Think you can save yourself a load of trouble by shoving your hands in your pockets? Think again: keeping one's hands in one's pockets while in conversation is impolite in Indonesia,
'You're one-third daffodil' - this and other REALLY useless facts from Britain's most upmarket intellectuals.
Were you aware that peanuts are used as an ingredient in dynamite?
Or that one in four UK households owns a copy of Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon?
Such fascinating but true 'did-you-knows' are among scores collected by upmarket intellectual magazine Prospect and published in a new book .. .
Do you care?
Women
The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror.
Women are estimated to buy 80per cent of everything sold.
Food
Britons eat 97 per cent of the world's baked beans
The average British person will, in the course of a lifetime, eat 550 chickens and other poultry, 36 pigs, 36 sheep and eight cows.
There are more than 1,000 chemicals in coffee. 27 of these were tested on rodents; 19 were carcinogenic.
More than 90 per cent of kebab shop sales are made after pub closing hours.
Science
Humans share 35 per cent of their DNA with daffodils.
Two per cent of the electricity used by a lightbulb is converted into light - the rest into heat.
A penny dropped from the top of the Empire State Building would only sting a pedestrian at ground level.
History
Hitler was on the short-list for the 1938 Nobel Peace prize.
Queen Victoria spoke Urdu and Hindi.
Each successive monarch faces in a different direction on British coins.
Geography
Two-thirds of Britons live within five miles of where they were born and raised.
Mozambique's flag features a Kalashnikov - the only gun on a national flag.
EVERY day, 44,000 babies are born in China.
The Eiffel Tower is six inches taller in summer than in winter because it expands in the heat.
Middlesbrough, which has about 0.24 per cent of the UK's population, is responsible for 2.5 per cent of kerb-crawling convictions.
Transport
Seventy per cent of Land Rovers - first built in 1948 - are still on the road.
There are 2.5 million pulped Mills and Boon books in the M6. The paper's absorbency helps keep tarmac in place.
More than half of the London Underground network is overground.
Drivers called Ben are most likely to crash their cars; Ians are the safest.
In Britain, half of all appeals against parking tickets are successful, yet only one per cent of tickets are appealed against.
Animals
A cow expels up to 280 litres of methane per day.
Rats can run 100 yards in less than ten seconds and can jump six feet.
There are almost twice as many chickens alive as humans.
Molly is the most popular name for British dogs and cats.
Men
About 18 per cent of British men have had a vasectomy.
Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
Sixty-two of the world's 100 richest men are married to brunettes.
Culture
Charles Dickens created 989 named characters.
By the end of his life, the author Kingsley Amis was drinking a bottle of Macallan single malt before lunch.
People called Paul have appeared on 57 number one singles since the British-chart began in 1953; the runner-up is John with 54.
Sport
No English manager has ever won the Premier League.
650,000 People in South Korea have a Manchester United credit card.
Politics
A third of all British legislation and 70 per cent of our economic and social law originates from Brussels.
35 Ministers in Macmillan's government, including seven Cabinet ministers, were related to him by marriage.
The door of No 10 Downing Street has always been black, except under Herbert Asquith (1908-16), when it was dark green.
The Human Body
At birth, most babies cry at C or C-sharp.
About 11 per cent of the British population is left-handed - up from three per cent a century ago.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The English Language
The insults 'moron', 'idiot', 'imbecile' and 'cretin' were all once official medical diagnoses.
The words 'tomato', 'coyote', 'avocado' and 'chocolate' all come from the Aztec language Nahuatl.
No words in the English language rhyme with 'orange', 'silver', 'purple' or 'month'.
At work
Only five out of every 100,000 paper clips are used to clip paper.
The average pencil holds enough graphite to draw a line about 35 miles long.
At home
In 1995 there were 225 television programmes in Britain watched by more than 15 million people. In 2004, there were just ten.
58,000 BRITONS still have a blackand-white television.
In Britain, trousers cause twice as many accidents as chainsaws.
Money Matters
In 2005, the 54 billionaires in Britain paid a total of £14.7million in income tax. Of this, £9million was contributed by the vacuum cleaner inventor James Dyson.
The most expensive age of your life is 34.
At War
Explosions from the Battle of the Somme could be heard on Hampstead Heath.
For every insurgent killed in Iraq, 250,000 bullets have been fired.
Love, Sex and family
On an average day, about 3.3 per cent of the world's population has sex. Less than 0.4 per cent of these acts results in a birth.
The average age of a first-time grandparent in the UK is 49.
Miscellaneous
An average 1,500 immigrants a day enter Britain planning to stay for a year or more.
More than 90 per cent of plane crashes have survivors.
The most popular inquiry at Citizens Advice Bureaux concerns how to change one's name.
• Extracted from In Fact, by Tom Nuttall, published by Preface on September 4 at £12.99. Tom Nuttall.
To order a copy (p&p free), call +00 44 (0) 845 155 0720.
Lost in translation
'Blue Monday' 19th January. The most depressing day of the year?
Eve Stuart-Kelso with her Leprechaun safely back home.
